I will start this story from the beginning, but it will take more than one post to finish. I grew up in the Foothills of the Appalachians. We were dirt poor. In that kind of poverty, addiction is something that takes a hold of a lot of people. I believe the root cause is the hopelessness that poverty can make you feel. Many of the men became addicts. They felt the responsibility of providing for a family, but had no means to do so. They watched their children go hungry, their family go without healthcare of any kind, their cars break down again and again, and any hope of a better life dwindle away into the night sky.
When I was little, I was always told we were poor. I wouldn't get Christmas presents like the other kids because we were poor. Sometimes we had very little to eat because we were poor. I couldn't do activities some of the other children got to do because we were poor. I didn't go to the doctor when I was injured because we were poor. I didn't feel the poverty. I ran in the woods and played in the creek. I picked wildflowers and laid under the stars at night. The nights would be so dark that you couldn't see your hand in front of your face. If they stars were covered by clouds, you couldn't tell if your eyes were opened or closed.
To me, it was a magical life. I helped chop wood with my little hatched. I knew how to build a fire. We often cooked on a fire outside in the summers. It was too hot to cook inside. The well water we drank was always cold and prefect for a hot day, with a taste better than any water I have ever tasted. Fiji water, move aside!
We heated with wood. My parents would work on getting enough wood all year. The wood stove could make our little trailer very warm. I remember waking up and feeling so cold. My parents would stoke the fire, and it would soon get warm again. The floor would be icy in the mornings, though. I remember taking a bath, and then running to get under the covers with my dad to warm back up.
My parents were both college graduates. When they were lucky enough to find work, they often worked for minimum wage. None of the jobs down there offered healthcare. They didn't have to. People were so desperate that most jobs had applications from in from all the surrounding counties.
I remember that I loved my dad, but sometimes he got scary and mean. It happened occasionally. My mom and I would sometimes leave and visit friends, and then when we would return home, everything would be ok again. What seemed like a sometimes thing, an annoyance, grew into something much bigger, especially after we moved so my parents could find better jobs.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Thursday, June 20, 2019
My long lost great grandfather.
My grandmother never met her father. She searched for him her whole life, but died never know what happened to him. We were simply told that after my my grandmother was born, during the Great Depression, her father decided to leave and go looking for work. For a while he sent letters and gifts, but then he stopped. The line from the family was that he just disappeared and they never knew what happened to him.
I decided that, with the internet, I might be able to find him. I had found my grandmother's baby book, thankfully, after she had died, and it had a small amount of information in it. Armed with that, and my mother's small amount of memories of whispered stories about him, I went to the genealogy department of the local library. Between researching at home and having them help me when I hit a road block, I was able to discover him after weeks of searching. The sad think was that he had died in 1968. My grandmother was still searching for him in the 90s, hoping he would still be alive so she could meet him. That made my heart sink.
Luckily, he still has one living brother, and a handful of kids and grand-kids. We have made contact and I am just thrilled to pieces. This actually happened a while ago, but today it all popped back into my head, and I wrote the following:
It is so strange, the things that pop into your head. My great-grandfather Jack Settle came back into my head today. Honestly I obsessed over finding him for so long, and after I did, and found a whole new branch of the family, I was in shock. But now that the shock has passed, I just feel sadness. And after speaking with some of our newly-found family members, I wish I could piece together what happened. I wish someone would have told the story before they died. Why was this such a big secret? One detail I wish I knew more about, and I might ask around and see if anyone has any info on it and if it is even true, we heard a hushed rumor in the family that Jack Settle had returned to the farm to visit my great-grandmother. I can only imagine he wanted to check in on his daughter. My great-grandmother sent him away. I don't know what year this was, but we are guessing, from what we have been told, this was only shortly before Jack Settle died. I have been missing my grandmother terribly. She had her own problems, but I felt a connection with her. I think she was witty, sarcastic at times, smarter than anyone gave her credit for, and had an amazing ability to befriend animals. I think she was also creative but she suppressed that side of herself for some reason. When I found the Settles, it really struck me to see these people who are into photography, make things with their hands, and from speaking on the phone with some of them, are also witty and sarcastic. I immediately felt like this was my family, and felt a connection to my grandmother. I feel like I have stuff in common with them. My mother and I have always loved art and music, and we love animals and the outdoors, and we have always been the oddballs. I guess we are all searching for our place in this world. When you come from a family that is so terribly different from yourself, it is hard to know why you are different, and why you are treated like an outsider. If unconditional love and acceptance aren't there, the differences create a gulf, and the "black sheep" feel a pain, a sadness, and a loss. But now I feel like I can go out into the world and know where I come from. We aren't freaks. We do have a place in this world. My only regret is that I wasn't able to do this while my grandmother was still alive. I want so badly to talk with her. Since I can't, I will light a candle for her, mourn her loss and mourn that she never met her family, and keep moving forward. I think my next step in this journey is to visit the graves.
I decided that, with the internet, I might be able to find him. I had found my grandmother's baby book, thankfully, after she had died, and it had a small amount of information in it. Armed with that, and my mother's small amount of memories of whispered stories about him, I went to the genealogy department of the local library. Between researching at home and having them help me when I hit a road block, I was able to discover him after weeks of searching. The sad think was that he had died in 1968. My grandmother was still searching for him in the 90s, hoping he would still be alive so she could meet him. That made my heart sink.
Luckily, he still has one living brother, and a handful of kids and grand-kids. We have made contact and I am just thrilled to pieces. This actually happened a while ago, but today it all popped back into my head, and I wrote the following:
It is so strange, the things that pop into your head. My great-grandfather Jack Settle came back into my head today. Honestly I obsessed over finding him for so long, and after I did, and found a whole new branch of the family, I was in shock. But now that the shock has passed, I just feel sadness. And after speaking with some of our newly-found family members, I wish I could piece together what happened. I wish someone would have told the story before they died. Why was this such a big secret? One detail I wish I knew more about, and I might ask around and see if anyone has any info on it and if it is even true, we heard a hushed rumor in the family that Jack Settle had returned to the farm to visit my great-grandmother. I can only imagine he wanted to check in on his daughter. My great-grandmother sent him away. I don't know what year this was, but we are guessing, from what we have been told, this was only shortly before Jack Settle died. I have been missing my grandmother terribly. She had her own problems, but I felt a connection with her. I think she was witty, sarcastic at times, smarter than anyone gave her credit for, and had an amazing ability to befriend animals. I think she was also creative but she suppressed that side of herself for some reason. When I found the Settles, it really struck me to see these people who are into photography, make things with their hands, and from speaking on the phone with some of them, are also witty and sarcastic. I immediately felt like this was my family, and felt a connection to my grandmother. I feel like I have stuff in common with them. My mother and I have always loved art and music, and we love animals and the outdoors, and we have always been the oddballs. I guess we are all searching for our place in this world. When you come from a family that is so terribly different from yourself, it is hard to know why you are different, and why you are treated like an outsider. If unconditional love and acceptance aren't there, the differences create a gulf, and the "black sheep" feel a pain, a sadness, and a loss. But now I feel like I can go out into the world and know where I come from. We aren't freaks. We do have a place in this world. My only regret is that I wasn't able to do this while my grandmother was still alive. I want so badly to talk with her. Since I can't, I will light a candle for her, mourn her loss and mourn that she never met her family, and keep moving forward. I think my next step in this journey is to visit the graves.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
DIY Odd Squad Badge
Do your kids love Odd Squad? My son loves it. It is his favorite show. We have limits on how much TV he watches and which shows he watches. He likes many of the PBS kids shows, but Odd Squad really seems to speak to him in a way other shows do not.
When my son said he wanted an Oscar costume so he could dress up like his favorite character, I got to work. Most of the costume items were purchased from Amazon, so that was easy enough. When it came to the badge though, I could nkt find anything. Thankfully I have tons of crafting items from various projects, so I got out my craft foam, metallic paints, gold fabric paint, and hot glue.
First, I printed out a picture of the badge so I would have a visual to go off of. Then, I free-handed the pieces onto the foam. I did the badge shape, a circle, and the animal that is in the center. Then, I painted the badge part gold, the circle silver, and carefully traced my animal with puffy fabric paint.
After everything dried, I added some detailing and the number 56 on the badge. I painted some bananas with puffy paint, then once dry, went over them with gold paint.
Once it was all dry, I hot glued it together and put a clip on the back. Done!
When my son said he wanted an Oscar costume so he could dress up like his favorite character, I got to work. Most of the costume items were purchased from Amazon, so that was easy enough. When it came to the badge though, I could nkt find anything. Thankfully I have tons of crafting items from various projects, so I got out my craft foam, metallic paints, gold fabric paint, and hot glue.
First, I printed out a picture of the badge so I would have a visual to go off of. Then, I free-handed the pieces onto the foam. I did the badge shape, a circle, and the animal that is in the center. Then, I painted the badge part gold, the circle silver, and carefully traced my animal with puffy fabric paint.
After everything dried, I added some detailing and the number 56 on the badge. I painted some bananas with puffy paint, then once dry, went over them with gold paint.
Once it was all dry, I hot glued it together and put a clip on the back. Done!
Thursday, May 12, 2016
I mentioned before how hard it was when I lost my sweet little dog in January of 2015. It was soon after that my illness began to take hold. I told myself that I must let go or be very ill. Well, I did try to let it go, but sometimes it creeps back up on me. Every once in a while he comes into my thoughts, and all the pain comes back and I just burst into tears.
Months after I lost him, I wrote this poem. I'm not a poet, so don't expect some great piece of poetry here. Actually, I didn't write this. One night while staying up and crying for my little dog, these words popped into my head. I wrote them down and tucked them away, never showing them to anyone. Now I'm sharing it to help in the healing process. I'll share it, and let it go.
When I think about it I can't help but cry,
the day you and I had to say goodbye.
I held you in my arms and watched you die.
But it isn't forever that you will be apart from me.
No, this will not be for eternity.
We will meet again someday, at the Rainbow Bridge.
I will pick you up in my arms and we will all cross together.
Rest, dear friend, you will be forever in my heart.
For some reason, man's best friend too early must depart.
My companion, my friend, my pal, you were so many things to me.
Thank you, thank you, for the time you spent with me.
I am forever grateful.
He saved my life, and I saved his. I hope he understands the difficult decision I had to make, I hope he was ready to go, I hope he forgives me. To all you who have been through this, you know how painful it is. We must tell ourselves we made the best decision we could, we did what we thought was right, we must move past the grief. I'm getting there, but sometimes, I feel like it was just yesterday.
Months after I lost him, I wrote this poem. I'm not a poet, so don't expect some great piece of poetry here. Actually, I didn't write this. One night while staying up and crying for my little dog, these words popped into my head. I wrote them down and tucked them away, never showing them to anyone. Now I'm sharing it to help in the healing process. I'll share it, and let it go.
When I think about it I can't help but cry,
the day you and I had to say goodbye.
I held you in my arms and watched you die.
But it isn't forever that you will be apart from me.
No, this will not be for eternity.
We will meet again someday, at the Rainbow Bridge.
I will pick you up in my arms and we will all cross together.
Rest, dear friend, you will be forever in my heart.
For some reason, man's best friend too early must depart.
My companion, my friend, my pal, you were so many things to me.
Thank you, thank you, for the time you spent with me.
I am forever grateful.
He saved my life, and I saved his. I hope he understands the difficult decision I had to make, I hope he was ready to go, I hope he forgives me. To all you who have been through this, you know how painful it is. We must tell ourselves we made the best decision we could, we did what we thought was right, we must move past the grief. I'm getting there, but sometimes, I feel like it was just yesterday.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Saying Goodbye to Toxic People
We all have someone in our lives that irks us now and again. Maybe someone who doesn't understand us, or seems driven to constantly disagree with us. I think that is a natural part of being human. We seem to always hurt those we love the most. But when does that relationship cross a line? When is it time to say goodbye to a toxic relationship that has gone on too long?
I had to ask myself these hard questions about some of my friends and family. Some autoimmune diseases and other illnesses are triggered by chronic stress. I know before I became ill I was very stressed. I won't go into the details in this post, but I had been stressed for years. I felt bad about myself, couldn't let go of things, didn't like the person I had become, didn't feel well, and on top of it all, had some family member who were constantly trying to tear me down.
I'm not perfect, no one is. But we have to accept that. Some members of my extended family on my mother's side have very different views than I do about religion, acceptance of others, and just what it means to be human. I never really liked the idea of Facebook, but I joined after my son was born so share pictures with friends and family who lived out of town. That was a huge mistake. It was the avenue by which my family began to slowly torture me. They always pointed out how I wasn't good enough, how I didn't believe what they did so I'd most certainly burn in Hell, how everyone I knew or liked would burn in Hell, and they were more than happy to point out all of my past mistakes.
I was ill after my son was born. I had a difficult pregnancy and birth, lost a lot of blood and needed transfusions, and then just never did feel like myself again afterwards and suffered from dizzy spells, among other things. I never saw my family or heard from them. Never a peep during my difficult times. They were only there to punish me for...for not being exactly like they are.
I began to realize that after I spoke with them on Facebook, I would be severely ill days afterwards. I was taking what they said to heart, even though I tried not to. I am the kind of person who wants love and approval from my family, and it was hurting me deep inside to be treated that way by the people I loved while growing up. I was so desperate to have their approval that I almost let them ruin my life. They did not approve of who I wanted to marry, I got nasty letters telling my why they didn't like him. Thankfully, after many break-ups and issues because of my family, I finally did what I wanted and married him. He is the love of my life and I would have regretted it forever if I had let them ruin my life.
When I had my thyroid go crazy on me, once again I heard nothing from my family. My mother came over every day and helped me and my son. My husband and son helped around the house, made meals, and tried their best to keep my comfortable. I cried on my father's shoulder, and I thank God every day that I have my parents, my husband, and my son. My father's side of the family live far away, but even they called him a lot and checked in on me. I was so grateful that they were thinking about me.
The only time my mother talked to her brother, all he could say is that she was being silly for worrying about me. That was pretty much it. I saw then that they have no love or affection for me, and I am tired of trying to earn theirs. For my own health, I cut them off. I do not consider them part of my family anymore. I have blocked all their emails, and will not be friends with them on Facebook or any other social media. I will not take their calls. I wish them the best, but they were adding to my illness. It was not an easy decision, but I had to do it. I do not know if I could ever really trust them again. It has been years of this kind of thing, and they do it to my mother as well.
In the end, I know this was the right thing to do. I have to take care of myself and my health so I can be here for my family. That means making tough decisions. I eat clean, I try to get plenty of rest, I try to exercise gently every day, and I cut toxins out of my life, and if that means cutting myself off from toxic people so I can be healthy, so be it.
I had to ask myself these hard questions about some of my friends and family. Some autoimmune diseases and other illnesses are triggered by chronic stress. I know before I became ill I was very stressed. I won't go into the details in this post, but I had been stressed for years. I felt bad about myself, couldn't let go of things, didn't like the person I had become, didn't feel well, and on top of it all, had some family member who were constantly trying to tear me down.
I'm not perfect, no one is. But we have to accept that. Some members of my extended family on my mother's side have very different views than I do about religion, acceptance of others, and just what it means to be human. I never really liked the idea of Facebook, but I joined after my son was born so share pictures with friends and family who lived out of town. That was a huge mistake. It was the avenue by which my family began to slowly torture me. They always pointed out how I wasn't good enough, how I didn't believe what they did so I'd most certainly burn in Hell, how everyone I knew or liked would burn in Hell, and they were more than happy to point out all of my past mistakes.
I was ill after my son was born. I had a difficult pregnancy and birth, lost a lot of blood and needed transfusions, and then just never did feel like myself again afterwards and suffered from dizzy spells, among other things. I never saw my family or heard from them. Never a peep during my difficult times. They were only there to punish me for...for not being exactly like they are.
I began to realize that after I spoke with them on Facebook, I would be severely ill days afterwards. I was taking what they said to heart, even though I tried not to. I am the kind of person who wants love and approval from my family, and it was hurting me deep inside to be treated that way by the people I loved while growing up. I was so desperate to have their approval that I almost let them ruin my life. They did not approve of who I wanted to marry, I got nasty letters telling my why they didn't like him. Thankfully, after many break-ups and issues because of my family, I finally did what I wanted and married him. He is the love of my life and I would have regretted it forever if I had let them ruin my life.
When I had my thyroid go crazy on me, once again I heard nothing from my family. My mother came over every day and helped me and my son. My husband and son helped around the house, made meals, and tried their best to keep my comfortable. I cried on my father's shoulder, and I thank God every day that I have my parents, my husband, and my son. My father's side of the family live far away, but even they called him a lot and checked in on me. I was so grateful that they were thinking about me.
The only time my mother talked to her brother, all he could say is that she was being silly for worrying about me. That was pretty much it. I saw then that they have no love or affection for me, and I am tired of trying to earn theirs. For my own health, I cut them off. I do not consider them part of my family anymore. I have blocked all their emails, and will not be friends with them on Facebook or any other social media. I will not take their calls. I wish them the best, but they were adding to my illness. It was not an easy decision, but I had to do it. I do not know if I could ever really trust them again. It has been years of this kind of thing, and they do it to my mother as well.
In the end, I know this was the right thing to do. I have to take care of myself and my health so I can be here for my family. That means making tough decisions. I eat clean, I try to get plenty of rest, I try to exercise gently every day, and I cut toxins out of my life, and if that means cutting myself off from toxic people so I can be healthy, so be it.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Gluten Free Irish Soda Bread
We are getting close to St.Patrick's Day, so I thought it might be time to share my Gluten Free Irish Soda Bread recipe. I've been working on this for a while now, and here's what I have finally come up with.
My quest for gluten free bread has been a long one. Some gluten free breads are just not good, others you can buy in the store taste good, but they have many ingredients, including eggs and usually canola oil and corn products, things I am avoiding. Also, the more processed the food, the less good for you it usually is. This is a pretty simple recipe. Feel free to play with it as you like.
Gluten Free Irish Soda Bread:
Ingredients:
1 Cup rice flour
1/2 cup tapioca starch
1/2 cup coconut flour
1 tsp salt
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 TBSP baking powder
3 TBSP coconut oil (melted)
1 1/2 cups water
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F. Combine the dry ingredients in one bowl, the wet ingredients in another. Once they are mixed separately, add the wet to the dry and stir. The dough should be wet feeling, but you should be able to shape it. I usually put it on a greased round pan and shape into a circle, about and inch or so thick. Bake for 5 minutes at 450, then reduce heat to 350 and cook for another 25 minutes. Let cook for 10 minutes, cut, enjoy. I usually cut it with a pizza cutter into 8 triangular pieces. So far this is our favorite bread. I hope you enjoy it too.
My quest for gluten free bread has been a long one. Some gluten free breads are just not good, others you can buy in the store taste good, but they have many ingredients, including eggs and usually canola oil and corn products, things I am avoiding. Also, the more processed the food, the less good for you it usually is. This is a pretty simple recipe. Feel free to play with it as you like.
Gluten Free Irish Soda Bread:
Ingredients:
1 Cup rice flour
1/2 cup tapioca starch
1/2 cup coconut flour
1 tsp salt
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 TBSP baking powder
3 TBSP coconut oil (melted)
1 1/2 cups water
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F. Combine the dry ingredients in one bowl, the wet ingredients in another. Once they are mixed separately, add the wet to the dry and stir. The dough should be wet feeling, but you should be able to shape it. I usually put it on a greased round pan and shape into a circle, about and inch or so thick. Bake for 5 minutes at 450, then reduce heat to 350 and cook for another 25 minutes. Let cook for 10 minutes, cut, enjoy. I usually cut it with a pizza cutter into 8 triangular pieces. So far this is our favorite bread. I hope you enjoy it too.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
I've been following the AIP (Autoimmune Protocol) diet to try to overcome my possible autoimmune disorder(s). It is a very strict diet, and when you are ready to add foods back in, you do it very slowly and look for reactions. I have added some foods back in without problems, I believe, which is nice, because the AIP is hard to do long-term.
The other day, I made a mistake. I totally lost it and bought a product with potato in it. Potato is in the Nightshade family, along with tomato and eggplant. I ate it, it was SO good, and then that night I noticed my ears got very painful and hot and red. Then, I woke up that night with heart palpitations. It wasn't bad, but it was noticeable. Now again, tonight, my ears are red, hot, and painful. I looked into this, and here are the most likely causes in my situation: A)food allergy B)hormone issue related to thyroid. Either way, I think I should stay away from Nightshades. I really didn't think it would cause problems for me, and I should have added it back slowly, but I didn't and now I'm paying for it. I also have a slight rash. I am hoping it will be gone from my system soon, and I didn't cause any lasting issues.
It is hard to see in this picture, but my ear is not normally that color. I think it looks more pink in real life. This is an ear selfie, lol, I'll have to try to get a better one when someone is around to take the picture for me.
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